SMMR 33: The lack of crisps

Now I must admit due to the new diet, all snacks for my movie watching have been limited to none. However, that does not mean I cannot get thoroughly drunk on low cal booze. After the wine of lost ark I proceeded to have a few gins. Normally you would think this would improve the rating of a movie but I am a Professional therefore am immune to this influence. Watch the Temple of Doom I had several thoughts. 1) was it a mistake to give up crisps for these reviews?. 2) why aren’t skittles available locally in Germany. 3) how many gins does it take to make this movie good

Whilst I will take all of the above into account on the overall score it does help the average viewer on the movie.

I admit I missed the first half because I was trying to book a plane ticket, I have much to say on the second half.

Well not loads to say, but the general consensus is, if you get taken over by some sort of cult a swift burn to the middle will make every thing ok. A side note should be, the fact you have to rely on a small child is really a reflection on your own failures. For that you should see a therapist.

In compassion to the last movie, I didn’t see one solider mourn the loss of a hat so it can’t be as good as the last one.

SMMR Score: 9/327


SMMR 32: The rolling cobweb

Another massive gap between posts but I have been very busy napping and painting.

Today’s post is on Raiders of the Lost Ark. Now from what I understand this is a movie that has been deliberated over many a time so I am not sure what I can add. The first point is that I never realised that Indiana Jones was such a bellend. I thought he was a smooth hero of types but really he is a selfish noob who doesn’t care if the world comes to and end as long as he gets some mystical treasure. The best bit of this movie as always is the classic man gets chopped by aeroplane blade he doesn’t see coming. The lady friend makes a variety of errors including not taking off one high heel after losing the other and generally being a bit screechy and ineffective. Dr Jones precedes to get out of a multitude of scrapes before ultimately saving the day. Sort of. Best bit of this entire movie is when the nazi guy is hanging onto the roof and his hat gets blown off and he is like….oh noooo my hat!

No snack were consumed during this movie but I had a steak which was a bit fatty and 1 bottle of wine

SMMR Score: 14/127

SMMR 31: The sulky pilot

I haven’t done a review of anything recently, after failing to review the entire collection of TNG there was nothing really to watch. But as I seem to be jetlagged and I am watching Top Gun at 4am I thought I’d try another go at a post.

I’m not sure I need to put a spoiler alert on here but I will in case anyone hasn’t seen this 80’s flying show.

This movie is mainly about Tom Cruise being a whiney child, he complains constantly and seems to feel hard done by all the time. In fact it’s hard not to hate him throughout the whole movie. Unfortunately you can’t like Iceman either due to his constant smirking and while Goose was fine but I’m not sure what his job was really.

Whilst I managed not to focus on Tom’s odd front teeth this was mainly because I watched the film without my glasses so I couldn’t really focus on anything – I would recommend this.

Snacks should have been a bowl of crunchy nut but I can’t get the lid off the milk again so instead I ate some kettle chips… Probably a bit early for crisps but I really had no choice

SMMR Score: 13/78

SMMR 30: The crack heads & The puddle

This is a review of episode 21 & 22 of TNG – Symbiosis & Skin of Evil


This is a fairly straightforward episode where the team pick up some people addicted to space crack and their dealers. It is quite a good episode but with an off-putting bit with number 1 doing some odd crotch lunges behind Datas head. Eventually everything pans out for the crew and the dealers/customers go on their way no better off.

Skin of Evil


This is a less than action packed episode where the team have to rescue the councillor from a crashed shuttle (she is fairly annoying so I’d have just left her there but that wouldn’t make much of an episode). Instead the away team go to pick her up and encounter a large oil slick that is understandably miserable having been left on the planet alone. After killing telephone operator security Yar everyone is mad at the blob so the team escape leaving the poor oil puddle alone again. A real arsehole move by the captain I thought.

SMMR 29: The New Direction

So I haven’t done a post for a while only because I haven’t really been inspired by watching any massively crappy films and I have abandon watching American Gods purely because it was too much for my tiny melon to get in to.

I have however been struck by something old and awesome that I have discovered on Netflix which is… Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I will be writing episode updates on this fantastic show as I think it has enough going on to make me come up with material to keep this blog going.

So far I have watched about the first 14 episodes in season 1 so instead of going through all of those I will give a brief rundown of the characters.

Running the whole operation is Captain Picard starring our favourite non-aging actor Patrick Stewart (I would say Keanu Reaves is a favourite and it is a tough call for steel facedness but for now i’ll stay with PS)

Other central characters include –

The overly horny number 1 – Riker

Possibly in the first stages of liver failure – Data

Has cataracts (which they can cure now so makes no sense for him to have a visor other than it makes him a bit more useful) – Jordi

Blonde security office who also operates the ships telephone – Tasha Yar

The slightly irritating/weepy counseller – Troi

Klingon Warrior ( I say warrior but so far he has only shot 1 person and done 3 rolly-pollies) – Worf

Annoying whizz kid who is now in The Big Bang Theory – Will Crusher

and finally The one person who is never at their post and is always wandering about – Doctor Crusher

So far in the episodes I have watched the ship has nearly been blown up twice, stolen once and about 5 times nothing happened at all really.  The graphics and set production are good (Season 1 is from 1988) as it probably kept the polystyrene business going.

I can’t really remember snacks I have had on the first episodes but I can say that when I watch today it will probably get a high score as I am going to Aldi in a bit and the sale product of the day is goose. I might get one just for the hell of it.

Stay tuned…


SMMR 28: The Kiwi

Today’s review is on Security staring Spanish heartthrob Antonio Banderas. This movie is quite busy, starting with a convoy of cars driving precariously close together in wet weather. The remainder of the movie is based in a shopping centre with Antonio and a motley crew of security guards defending the centre against attack from Ben Kingsley who has a bit of a dodgy English accent which is odd as he is actually English. There is a reason why he is attacking the shopping centre but I don’t want to give away key plot points. I can say that it’s not because Sir Ben wants to steal an abundance of stuffed animals. The snack was 1 kiwi fruit as I am on a diet. I did want shortbread but managed to stave that off. Kiwi was good but I had to eat it with a fork as the spoons were in the dishwasher. I wouldn’t recommend kiwi via fork. It makes a mess.

SMMR Score: 4/93

SMMR 27: The best film of all time?

Metal Tornado

Now I don’t want to over hype this movie but I think this could be the best film of all time. Screened on movies 4 men it may have been missed by a lot of people but I suggest buying it on dvd. With graphics possible made in MS paint you’d be forgiven for thinking this movie was made in the 90’s however the 2011 classic is really worth a watch. Highlights include a man wearing a pink bow tie with red shirt and several people narrowly avoiding death by chainsaw, pitchforks and hose pipe. Only two deaths despite that fact the spinning vortex looked fairly deadly (not literally mind you on screen it looked a bit crap) a low point would be that I waited the whole movie for award winner Lou Diamond Philips to say “It’s a metal tornado!”. He never did. (Side note – he did not win any awards for this film even though I think he was overlooked)
Snacks include dinner – chow mein, spring rolls and chips. Notable mention should go to Murray for buying the Chinese. This film was so brilliant that I am not even going to mark it down when I got curry sauce in my eye.

SMMR Score: 76/60

SMMR 26: The Dead Snail Society

It’s Saturday morning! So a real review is in order. Today’s film was Dead Poet Society. It’s not very good. I think it won an Oscar and it gets an utterly outrageous score of 8/10 on IMDB

I am not sure why people think it is so good, I suppose it could be seen as inspiring but I was only inspired to have a nap. It is pretty dull even where it gets marginally more exciting when one of the kids – the guy from House follows his dreams to become a tree. I had no snacks and I have a hangover so this film only gets..

SMMR Score: 4/80

SMMR 25: The Spoon

This is the first review to come fresh from my new location in Düsseldorf! Which is exciting but the new location has held up the reviews for a while, more on that in a mo. So it has been 17 days since I watched episode 1 of American Gods so this review is a little late. I should explain that is not entirely my fault as I am having great issue with amazon prime – which sucks.

So here we go – American Gods episode 2 – This episode is a bit slow – not much happens really, couple of things bothered me so I am going – as ever – put in a spoiler alert. SPOILER

Firstly Calvin managed to pack up his entire house in half a day. This is 100% unbelievable. A s I have just moved – I can vouch for the fact it takes roughly 3-6months from start to finish. I am sure there are people who can do it quicker but I am going to say 2 months tops. Otherwise you’d need some kind of team of 40 people. This episode is getting marked down for that glaring error. Secondly I am getting a bit annoyed with Calvin’s lack of excitement at anything, he was especially gloomy in this episode even at the end 🙂

Snacks for this one include a row of Milka chocolate, thats a lie  I had 2 rows but it had been in the fridge and tasted a bit like fridge chocolate which as we all know – is not the best.

SMMR Score: 6/22

Side note – I am unsure whether I am really ready to commit to reviewing a series as I feel I have made a rash decision – I probably should have watched the whole thing then reviewed it but nevermind.

In a bonus review I recently watched the entire first season of House of Cards – I don’t have much to review on it.  Everyone is mean and Kevin Spacey has a Southern American accent which now I am writing it I’m not sure if he hasn’t always had that accent – it seemed kind of fake on the show. SMMR Score – 13/57

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