SMMR 28: The Kiwi

Today’s review is on Security staring Spanish heartthrob Antonio Banderas. This movie is quite busy, starting with a convoy of cars driving precariously close together in wet weather. The remainder of the movie is based in a shopping centre with Antonio and a motley crew of security guards defending the centre against attack from Ben Kingsley who has a bit of a dodgy English accent which is odd as he is actually English. There is a reason why he is attacking the shopping centre but I don’t want to give away key plot points. I can say that it’s not because Sir Ben wants to steal an abundance of stuffed animals. The snack was 1 kiwi fruit as I am on a diet. I did want shortbread but managed to stave that off. Kiwi was good but I had to eat it with a fork as the spoons were in the dishwasher. I wouldn’t recommend kiwi via fork. It makes a mess.

SMMR Score: 4/93


SMMR 27: The best film of all time?

Metal Tornado

Now I don’t want to over hype this movie but I think this could be the best film of all time. Screened on movies 4 men it may have been missed by a lot of people but I suggest buying it on dvd. With graphics possible made in MS paint you’d be forgiven for thinking this movie was made in the 90’s however the 2011 classic is really worth a watch. Highlights include a man wearing a pink bow tie with red shirt and several people narrowly avoiding death by chainsaw, pitchforks and hose pipe. Only two deaths despite that fact the spinning vortex looked fairly deadly (not literally mind you on screen it looked a bit crap) a low point would be that I waited the whole movie for award winner Lou Diamond Philips to say “It’s a metal tornado!”. He never did. (Side note – he did not win any awards for this film even though I think he was overlooked)
Snacks include dinner – chow mein, spring rolls and chips. Notable mention should go to Murray for buying the Chinese. This film was so brilliant that I am not even going to mark it down when I got curry sauce in my eye.

SMMR Score: 76/60

SMMR 26: The Dead Snail Society

It’s Saturday morning! So a real review is in order. Today’s film was Dead Poet Society. It’s not very good. I think it won an Oscar and it gets an utterly outrageous score of 8/10 on IMDB

I am not sure why people think it is so good, I suppose it could be seen as inspiring but I was only inspired to have a nap. It is pretty dull even where it gets marginally more exciting when one of the kids – the guy from House follows his dreams to become a tree. I had no snacks and I have a hangover so this film only gets..

SMMR Score: 4/80

SMMR 25: The Spoon

This is the first review to come fresh from my new location in Düsseldorf! Which is exciting but the new location has held up the reviews for a while, more on that in a mo. So it has been 17 days since I watched episode 1 of American Gods so this review is a little late. I should explain that is not entirely my fault as I am having great issue with amazon prime – which sucks.

So here we go – American Gods episode 2 – This episode is a bit slow – not much happens really, couple of things bothered me so I am going – as ever – put in a spoiler alert. SPOILER

Firstly Calvin managed to pack up his entire house in half a day. This is 100% unbelievable. A s I have just moved – I can vouch for the fact it takes roughly 3-6months from start to finish. I am sure there are people who can do it quicker but I am going to say 2 months tops. Otherwise you’d need some kind of team of 40 people. This episode is getting marked down for that glaring error. Secondly I am getting a bit annoyed with Calvin’s lack of excitement at anything, he was especially gloomy in this episode even at the end 🙂

Snacks for this one include a row of Milka chocolate, thats a lie  I had 2 rows but it had been in the fridge and tasted a bit like fridge chocolate which as we all know – is not the best.

SMMR Score: 6/22

Side note – I am unsure whether I am really ready to commit to reviewing a series as I feel I have made a rash decision – I probably should have watched the whole thing then reviewed it but nevermind.

In a bonus review I recently watched the entire first season of House of Cards – I don’t have much to review on it.  Everyone is mean and Kevin Spacey has a Southern American accent which now I am writing it I’m not sure if he hasn’t always had that accent – it seemed kind of fake on the show. SMMR Score – 13/57

SMMR 24: The Awkward Silence

Hello and welcome back to another review! I am going to do something a little different this time and review a series so be prepared for installments! The next review will be on the Amazon show: American Gods. For those of you who haven’t seen it advertised it stars the fantastic Mr Lovejoy and Calvin from Hollyoaks and the dancing. Now this show is based on some Neil Gaiman books so you can expect it to be a bit odd. If, like me, NG is a bit much for you – based on the first episode I have seen you can still watch it but it is not the sort of thing you can watch with a hangover or one eye open. Another important thing to note….my fellow watcher was my good buddy’s other half Mr W, who is also a bit of a part time worker so can watch TV in the afternoons too. And finally to the review of S1 Ep1! The opening 5 minutes were a bit brutal, I mean they didn’t hold back there at all. Good way to start I thought. Correct number of dead people. Then you get a bit of Calvin with his muscles out which is nice and his American accent isn’t too bad really. Then there is this horrendously awkward rudey nudey bit. And I mean like what the hell is going on here type of awkward. I did not know where to look. Lovejoy (he wasn’t in the rude bit) has been pretty good so far as always. No snacks were consumed during the episode but I had half a glass of orange and pineapple juice which I think should be outlawed. In fact, I think all pineapples should be erased from the face of the planet. They add nothing to mankind. I hate pineapple. This episode will get an introductory score of:

SMMR Score: 8/36.3

SMMR 23: The Snail Hammer

Today’s review is here to cheer your undoubtedly dull Monday! So this weekend I watched four movies this weekend, I’ll save two to be reviewed later. As there were two films about hit and runs – I’ll start with those. The first was The Judge and the second was Reasonable Doubt. So movie number 1 – The Judge – starring the handsome devils Robert Downey Jr and Billy Bob Thornton. This movie was pretty slow, not a dying snail pace but perhaps a severely injured snail who goes on to make a full recovery pace. I only stayed awake through the whole thing because I’d had a 2 hour nap at 11am. The movie is ok but there isn’t really anything gripping. Snacks were half a bag of kettle chips. The second movie was Reasonable Doubt with Samuel L. Jackson and some chap with a fancy hair cut. This movie was slightly faster but involved a hammer and I don’t really like films with hammers in them. It also didn’t have much to do with Reasonable Doubt which was annoying. I had dinner which was Chinese food (chow mein again) and that was nice and also free for me! I am going to combine this weeks score and go for a slow hammering score…

SMMR Score: 14/42

TRR 3: Bal games

Ah another TRR (Tuesday Random Review) – the third in the series. Now I know the T is usually for Tuesday but as I am still sat in my empty flat I am making it Thursday too. I can do that. I have the power. So today’s TRR  is going to be on the wonder that is BAL grout mix. Ma & Pa were kind enough to bring some round today as I had 2 wobbly tiles. Now before I go on you should know that whilst I could be called a DIY enthusiast I am not very good and this was my first time grouting. It being my first groutathon I decided that as I am a trail blazer, I would not read the instructions and go ahead with instinct and my two tiles. It went swimmingly. It really did. I was pleased. Then I made a slight error in judgement and decided that as some of the grout was looking a bit gross I would go ahead and clean it up with a new covering. I ploded forward with it my mix falling off as I was putting it on. Here is where I decided to Google if I was doing it right. I was not. Firstly you need a bunch of tools apparently and gloves and a mask?! Seemed a bit excessive, I had been left, along with BAL mix, a Lurpak tub and and old Magnum ice cream stick. I assumed this was the standard kit. It is not. A bit of jiggery-pokery with the mix and I was off again but after fixing the worst of the tiles it made everything look real bad. So now I am regrouting the whole kitchen. No snacks we consumed as I don’t think that would have been wise. I’m not sure if I should use the hob yet so I will skip dinner and have a sandwich after I get the mix off the chopping board. Overall view on BAL mix is that it is good but possibly in the hands of a master craftsman it could be quite splendid.

TRR Score: 17/26

Stay tuned for the next TRR on Dow Cornering silicone sealant

SMMR 22: The Bootleg

So another review to do even though it’s not Saturday but as I am sat in a mostly empty flat I thought I would do one as I am a bit bored.  This review is on the 1994 ‘classic’ Interview with the Vampire. Interesting side note – I always thought it was called Interview with a Vampire. It’s not, so there you go – you learn something fascinating every day. Anyway back to the showing – another in-flight movie with BA. I was quite surprised by this movie as in my memory it was ok, even those crazy noodles at IMDB gave it 7.6/10 (although their scoring is utterly baffling). The film was so grainy it seem BA had purchased a dodgy VHS from some market stall. I’m sure it can’t have been that bad quality originally but this was just terrible. Whilst the quality was bad, the acting was truly crap. I know they are meant to be dead but they (big time actors Brad Pitt & Tom Cruise) act like they have woken up after being hit in the head and are just remembering how to speak. It is immensely annoying. The snacks for this were standard BA fare as in the last review. In a break from the norm I am going to include snacks eaten just before writing this review as that has changed things a bit. I had 5 giant buttons. I would have had more but I am making risotto for the first time in an hour and I don’t want to ruin my appetite. I was disappointed by the film but I am quite excited about the upcoming risotto making so the score will be…

SMMR Score: 5/32

SMMR 21: The Travel Edition

So this review is on A Street Cat named Bob. I recently watched this film on a long haul flight and I’m not really sure why. It’s not the normal sort of thing I would go in for but I was confused and/or tired. This film is about a cat and it’s owner. It is a sort of redemption tale I guess with Bob helping the owner. It should be an enjoyable, happy film but dear fricking god it is dull. Like really, really boring. The cat wore a scarf sometimes which some people may find cute but personally I think that it is just stupid. If cats needed scarves they would have learnt to knit in the wild. They haven’t, therefore they don’t. I can’t quite remember what I ate during this film but it would have included Haribo which I like and a plus is that I got a bigger travel edition Haribo bag from Smiths at the Airport*.

SMMR Score: -70/3  

*Please Note: other jellied sweets and retailers are available

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