SMMR 20: The Squares

Today’s movie review will be last nights Channel 4 showing of Battleship. I’ll admit I didn’t know anything about this movie before watching, other than it had Rihanna in it and it wasn’t great. I wasn’t sure I was going to keep watching but then I saw it had that handsome fellow in it from True Blood so I stuck with it. *Spoilers* There were a few issues with this film, mainly when I wasn’t looking the main character got his hair cut so I was utterly baffled for a good 10 mins about who the new guy was. I think they should have shown him at least going to the barbers. My second fairly large problem is the entire plot. Aliens are always coming to earth in these types of films and killing everyone. I think there should a film where aliens come earth and say wow look you have velcro and jelly and twirls. We have flying stuff and magic boots and stuff …let’s trade! Other slight issues were that Rihanna was predictably annoying and handsome fellow was killed off early which was a shame. I laughed twice at fairly bad jokes so it wasn’t all bad, plus it has Liam Neeson so that’s nice. Snacks included one Chinese takeaway, one beer and one line of dairy milk (5 squares) I would have had some chewits but I was a bit full. Chinese food was excellent but after dinner I had to hang washing out which I don’t enjoy therefore…

SMMR Score: 3.8/13

SMMR 19: The Birthday Review

I was going to do a birthday movie review this weekend of Nocturnal Animals …it looked a bit scary for me but I was determined so I sat down with a Tupperware tub of cold pesto pasta and a beer. The first 15 mins were pretty good even though it was a bit unsettling and I happily munched on the pasta. Due to the unforeseen circumstances of having 3 beers at lunch I promptly fell asleep until the last 5 mins of the film which involved a woman looking pensive. I don’t know what happened to her, it could have been anything really.

SMMR 18: The 3 for 1

So todays movie was Road to Perdition which I started yesterday but then was too tired.  I was going to continue watching it this morning but instead I started to watch Monument Men but that was a bit boring. So therefore settled on Twilight which was recommended to me by a source who wishes to remain anonymous. Now this movie is bad. Not the good bad just bad. A lot of moody looks and the girls annoying face makes for painful watching. I also was distracted by the fact that vampires can’t eat and if I were a vampire I wouldn’t be able to eat potatoes. I thought about potatoes for the rest of the film.  I had a bacon sandwich which gets 1 point and potato thoughts also get 1 point.

SMMR Score: 2/14

SMMR 17: The Non Review

 

{SPOILERS}

I was going to review Limitless last weekend but it was such a turd of a film I couldn’t do it. Who has all the brain power in the world and becomes a politician? Why wouldn’t you invent a flying suit and fly round all day eating twirls?! Why!!! That’s what I’d do. I ate a twirl watching the movie and that was nice.

SMMR 16: The Beaten Rug

Due to the immense pressure (thanks Mr Brown) for another SMMR I have finally managed to watch an entire film this weekend without falling asleep. So this weeks film is Two Faces of January (it was just on film4). Now, the voiceover man described this film as a thriller. He was mistaken. I would say 2% was possibly thrilling but that may be excessive. There was a scene where an unsuspecting rug salesman got pushed a bit and I was concerned for his welfare but he was ok. That was really the highlight of the whole thing though. Snacks for this movie included some honeycomb ice cream and 2 spoons of Benylin. Mr M had a malteaser bar which I said it was ok not to share. That was a mistake on my part.

SMMR:  3/40

SMMR 15: The Big Shirt

So my last SMMR was on the 4th June which is a bit silly so I am going to make amends by doing a review. Even though it’s Wednesday. I’m sure you’re all thinking… “God a midweek review… This is the best week ever!” So here it is: This Wednesday’s film was Assault on Wall Street. It stars some guy that I haven’t heard of but it is likely he has been in other things. Basically the film is about a very angry man and his oversized shirt. The film doesn’t really clear up why his shirt is so big and it was quite distracting…maybe thats why he was angry. Who knows. There is an impressive/ridiculous body count (about 100) in the film which I didn’t mind as its after 10am. There are some poor stunts which I enjoyed too. Snacks were: a slice of pizza, a salad and rolos. Plus points on the snacks for the mini packet of rolos. Minus points for there only being 3 chuffing rolos in a pack. 

SMMR Score: 5.75/37

SMMR 14: The Eyebrowless Wonder

Saturday Morning Movie Review: today’s movie was this all time great 1992 film: Sister Act starring the eyebrowless lady Whoopi Goldberg. Now, I watched this movie in part last night but I had a headache so watched the rest this morning. Also I am not letting my headache affect the score. If you haven’t since it I highly recommend this upbeat singalong classic due to its cheery positivity and the fact that it makes me laugh like a small child. Harvey Keitel plays the ridiculous gangster in a performance that is clearly Oscar worthy (he wasn’t even nominated!) Mr M. gets a notable mention for going out and getting me a cookie, crunchie, giant buttons and a malteaser bar (I only ate 1 cookie and the malteaser bar though) so this week I’ll let him off eating some of the buttons. As this was over 2 days I also ate 2 x pan chocs. Whoopi’s lack of eyebrows is a bit disconcerting but I can get over it and give this film a highly unbeatable…

SMMR Score: 8.9/5

 

SMMR 13: The Plant Pots

Saturday morning movie review: Good Morning Saturday movie fans! This weeks film is one I actually watched last night so I’m not sure it counts but I going with it. Also in a break from the norm it is a film from 2014. So the review is on: The cobbler with Adam Sandler. Now, back in the day this would have been a straight to video movie but now it is straight to Netflix where it got a ludicrous score of 3.5/5! People clearly don’t know how to score a movie. Basically this is about a man who fixes shoes and with the help of a magic machine means he can turn into different people. It is utterly ridiculous. It is possibly the worst film I have seen in recent memory. It was so bad I spent most of it googling where to buy cheap plant pots. On the upside I had a packet of giant buttons, on the downside I had to give 3 buttons to Mr M. No amount of buttons could save this film.

SMMR Score:  I give it an all time low score of -62.5/5*

*Regular readers will notice there is a change in the scoring from now on. The score is now based on a complex algorithm and it’s best not to ask questions about it.

SMMR 12: The Thinker

Saturday Morning review is back! Broadcasting Live from my new location! It’s been a while since I have done a review so you’ll have to bear with me. This weeks absolute beauty of a film was 1994 classic: Speed, starring the all-round A+ movie star Keanu Reeves. As a Saturday morning film it had the appropriate number of movie deaths (4ish plus i think a couple of people gotten blown up but I’d gone to get a snack so I can’t be more specific on numbers there.) It is a high octane movie with constant goings on with buses and bombs and whatnot. I feel it was a little let down by some bad policing because they really didn’t think through a lot of their plans. Plus who would let the bomb-bus roam driverless around an airport! It is highly irresponsible. That being said, I feel Keanu really showed the seriousness of the situation with his large range of expressions and acting ability. Snacks included 3 mini brownie bites which were ok but a bit stale. 

SMMR Score: 2.83/5

 

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