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Ben is Back is a film with Julia Roberts who is pretty good at the acting but not sure that helped overall
Spoiler: this show is about a boy and his mum looking for their dog. Possibly the worst in flight meal ever. The pizza was OK but the sultana coleslaw was truly awful only slightly beaten by the disgusting coconut mouse. Did they find the dog? I honestly can’t remember.
SMMR Score: – 346/1981
Aquaman
So I had an ice cream with this one so that did help with some major issues with this film. The ice-cream was a fake cornetto which I am partial to but it was rather small probably being 10cm long (estimate). Basically the plot is a half man-half fish hunk has to beat his brother to win the fish throne to save the world. I know I normally don’t go into too much detail about the plots of things I watch but I already covered off the ice cream so I don’t have much else to write on the snack front. Back to the film…. Before I get to the problems it must be said that manfish is played by Jason Momoa and sometimes he does not wear a t-shirt which helps get through the 143 minutes. There are 2 key issues with this movie, well probably more than 2 if I think for a minute. Main issue number 1 was that they distorted the voices a bit when underwater. This was annoying and unnecessary as I knew they were underwater from all the water surrounding them on the screen although thinking about it if I was blind I wouldn’t have known so maybe that’s why. 2nd annoying point was that nobody was pruney. Not one person with the exception of the ones with fish heads but even they couldn’t be described as pruney. I felt the lack of prune skin was an oversight. Best character was the crab king although he only had one line he struck me as a tough fella. That’s it really. It wasn’t great. I had a few harribo after but am now waiting for the next meal
SMMR score: – 43/-8
Glass an M. Night Shamamalamalam film
I was hoping for big things with Glass an M. Night Shamalamam film. I enjoyed Unbreakable and The Village was alright so there was a chance. I have seen Split too but it wasn’t very good. Having seen both films related to this one, I felt confident I would know what was going on. Yeah… I didn’t really get it. It’s not complicated, I was hoping it would be better. It’s pretty terrible. I would have turned it off but I didn’t because I am a committed reviewer, devoted to bringing the newest reviews of films I have recently watched to the masses or the 4 people who read this. It made no sense. The plot was sketchy. It had James macavoy in it who isn’t my favorite but his 379 personalities just gave me a headache.
Snacks included 1 KLM dinner of vegetarian pasta which was unpleasant at best. A salad which would of been OK but it hid some sort of massacred aubergines underneath. They forgot to give me a bread roll too so the movie will take an extra hit there. Things were slightly improved by the fact I bought my own Harribo at the airport. Actually I have 2 packets of golden bears as they were on sale. Sad times came went I dropped 2 clear bears in quick succession in the aisle. Obviously they were gonners as this is an aeroplane and if I ate off the floor I’d probably perish within the week. I think they are bringing round ice creams now so the next review will get a bumper score.
SMMR Score: 1.23/289
I have a batch of 4 reviews that I watched on a recent flight so that’ll make up for months of silence I hope.
Kursk
This film was as expected. I didn’t cry but that’s because I was inspecting my hand intently.
SMMR Score: 25/63
Ah the February film review is here! I am pretty pleased with myself, 2 months and 2 reviews as I promised. So this month’s is…The Jurrasic Games.
Part 1
So this film is a Battle Royale/Hunger Games style thing. You have death row inmates fighting for freedom. They have to survive a series of challenges to be the last one standing. Oh and there are dinosaurs. I’m not sure quite what was happening a lot of the time. It’s all done in VR but they are strapped down so who knows how that working.
A man did get eaten in the first 5 mins so that’s a plus.
No snacks were consumed by me.
Part 2
Yes this film is so bad I couldn’t even watch it in one go. In fact I had to wait a full week before I could face it again.
An ok bit is when a man punches a plant. That is very mildly humorous
I ate a steak salad which was the highlight. I also had a cucumber sprite which made me sneeze so that was less fun.
Overall I would say this is possibly the worst film I have ever seen. And its not it’s so bad it’s good. It’s just really really awful. Not even steak could make this get a good score. I would go so far to say if I ate a steak and then all the skittles on the planet this film would still not achieve a reasonable score.
SMMR Score: -789/1
Ahhh the first review of the new year, how exciting…or is it? No… it is because today’s film is another winner from favourite actor Denzel.
This is the based on a true story (ish) film of runaway train: Unstoppable
This is an excellent film but if I compare it to Alton Towers I would say definitely the teacups of the suspense world not something like Oblivion. Just the right amount of high octane drama for someone like me. (*Disclaimer I haven’t ever been to Alton Towers so I can’t actually confirm if they have teacups or if Oblivion is still there)
SPOILERS:
The film is basically Denzel and Chris Pine (from star trek) trying to stop an unstoppable train from a while which they eventually do. So not really unstoppable then.
There is one ridiculous moment where a police car does a big old roll after some poor driving but other than that there is only 1 main explosion but a fair amount of sparks.
Also Chris Pine cuts his foot.
Snacks consumed were about 10 After Eight mints which were ok but I put them near the hob and they had all sort of melted so they were a bit tricky to get out of the wrapper. I also got some of the squished mint goo on my jeans so that will have to come off the points.
I had 1 beer as dry January is stupid…everyone knows sober February is the main event.
As a side note I am going to attempt to do a review every month for 2019 ….. so stay tuned for 11 reviews in November then.
SMMR Score: 47/32.12
So time for another Saturday morning movie review! That I am writing on Monday. After watching a film on Thursday. I am nothing if not consistent.
So this review is on the epic global warming film that is….Waterworld! Starring the mediocre talent that is Kevin Costner. Now I am very much a fan of Kevin. You know what you are getting so it is nice and straightforward. Bit like a plain boiled potato. Not fancy but edible.
In case you haven’t seen the film I don’t want to give too much away but the idea is the polar ice caps have melted and now there is water everywhere. At no point does it explain how this happened and seeing as there seems to have no preparations made we can only assume all the ice melted within a day. Certainly if they had more notice there would have been some sort of floating cities made. The Dutch are good at that so I would have expected there to have been more Dutch people in the film. Only Americans survived it seems.
The main thing in this film is how our man-fish hero Kevin goes from being a murderous bastard who brutally got someone killed for stealing limes to a man-fish who learns to love.
He has a pretty nifty boat and as mentioned he is part fish so that’s helpful. He gets in some bother with the baddies known as smokers I think. I assume they are called smokers because of their seemingly endless supply of cigarettes. It is not explained how they have got all these cigarettes or why they are just throwing them about. Also not explained is how the jet skis used never run out of fuel despite being very far from the base.
Spoiler
Man-fish and his dysfunctional band of ok people end up finding land and fresh water which they instantly start throwing everywhere in a wasteful display of stupidity. Kevin stays for about 15mins makes an old man load his boat while he does a bit of kissing with the pretty lady. Then he sails off into the sunset probably to hunt down and murder more citrus thieves.
No snacks but I had dinner of quick cook pasta and sauce with salad and a beer. The beer was the best bit.
SMMR Score: 7/632.5
So it has been a while again.. I was going to review Casino but as it is one of my favourite films I feel it is a bit unfair to all the crap films I watch. This time, however, it would have gotten a lower score because I had a hangover and watching someones eye pop out whilst already feeling queasy is not to be recommended.
Instead I watch the ‘classic’ The Fifth Element. Now, I hadn’t seen this film before and didn’t really look at what it was all about. I think it is a kind of spoof sci-fi film but there is a chance I missed a lot of the key points as usual.
This is a film where Bruce Willis still had a bit of hair but it was blonde so that was a bit distracting and it is like his other movies with the explosions and whatnot. There isn’t a great deal of blood so this does make for easier watching if you were to be feeling a trifle peaky after too many gins.
The other distracting thing is the president & team are very sweaty. I understand if the planet is facing impending doom it may be a bit stressful but I think they should have taken a minute to put the air con on and have a Cornetto. I had a Cornetto yesterday and it was very nice.
I didn’t have it during the movie so it can’t count towards the score but I did eat some Finn Crisp snacks (they were tomato and rosemary flavoured ..not my favourite but the shop has run out of original and the herb ones).
SMMR Score: 4/94
Now I must admit due to the new diet, all snacks for my movie watching have been limited to none. However, that does not mean I cannot get thoroughly drunk on low cal booze. After the wine of lost ark I proceeded to have a few gins. Normally you would think this would improve the rating of a movie but I am a Professional therefore am immune to this influence. Watch the Temple of Doom I had several thoughts. 1) was it a mistake to give up crisps for these reviews?. 2) why aren’t skittles available locally in Germany. 3) how many gins does it take to make this movie good
Whilst I will take all of the above into account on the overall score it does help the average viewer on the movie.
I admit I missed the first half because I was trying to book a plane ticket, I have much to say on the second half.
Well not loads to say, but the general consensus is, if you get taken over by some sort of cult a swift burn to the middle will make every thing ok. A side note should be, the fact you have to rely on a small child is really a reflection on your own failures. For that you should see a therapist.
In compassion to the last movie, I didn’t see one solider mourn the loss of a hat so it can’t be as good as the last one.
SMMR Score: 9/327
Another massive gap between posts but I have been very busy napping and painting.
Today’s post is on Raiders of the Lost Ark. Now from what I understand this is a movie that has been deliberated over many a time so I am not sure what I can add. The first point is that I never realised that Indiana Jones was such a bellend. I thought he was a smooth hero of types but really he is a selfish noob who doesn’t care if the world comes to and end as long as he gets some mystical treasure. The best bit of this movie as always is the classic man gets chopped by aeroplane blade he doesn’t see coming. The lady friend makes a variety of errors including not taking off one high heel after losing the other and generally being a bit screechy and ineffective. Dr Jones precedes to get out of a multitude of scrapes before ultimately saving the day. Sort of. Best bit of this entire movie is when the nazi guy is hanging onto the roof and his hat gets blown off and he is like….oh noooo my hat!
No snack were consumed during this movie but I had a steak which was a bit fatty and 1 bottle of wine
SMMR Score: 14/127
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